Try again.

What a terrible night I had! The extra pain and the fact that I couldn't "turn off" my mind, made it impossible for me to sleep. I never sleep very well, but usually I just use the time to work at the computer. Sitting being more painful, last night I couldn't even do that. It is a sad and lonely feeling being awake while you know most everyone else is sleeping - getting the rest that you will need so badly the next day. Something about the darkness and the quietness of night makes you feel so alone.

My mind kept jumping from one thing to another - things I need to do, things I want to do, things I would like to do but for one reason or another can't. When there is nothing in particular occupying my mind, I think of all the regrets I have. I wasted such a major portion of my life not knowing who I was or what I wanted. I disliked who I "thought" I was so much that instead of doing what I could, although limited, I did nothing. Living with EDS, not even knowing that was what was causing all my medical problems, had such a detrimental effect on me and my feelings about myself.

When I lie awake at night, for some reason the most difficult times are the ones that I keep going over and over in my mind. I wouldn't want to have to go through all the things I have again, but if I could get some of those years back I would do things so differently. At least I think I would, I hope I would.

Having been so afraid that I was going to have to have surgery again, I guess has made all this kind of thing foremost in my mind. Thank goodness it now looks less like that will have to happen. I don't know how I could physically or mentally handle having to go through more surgery. I don't know how may operations I have had - many, many years ago I stopped counting.......it was 25 then. It was too depressing to keep count of the number. I should be sleeping well and feeling well knowing that surgery is less of a possibility now. It is not ruled out completely; if I don't get better in a few weeks, I'll have to see the doctor again, but at least my mind is relieved for the moment.

So, I need to try to stop worrying about that now; there are plenty of other things to worry about. I need to make the best use of the time I have right now..........it's this stinking pain that prevents it.

I hate having to write something on here, but I said I would and I'll keep trying. It's like taking nasty-tasting medicine or doing something very unpleasant.....I wanted to get it over with for the day as soon as possible. I just hope forcing myself to do this will work the way it is supposed to - - - I'm counting on it!!!!!

Okay, A, this is for you!

I had a long talk with a friend earlier today reminding me how important blogging is in the popularity of a web site. I know that; I just do not like to write. I don't like to try to put words down on paper - or screen, as it is. Most of my early life, I didn't even talk much. I was so extremely shy that I wouldn't say anything to anyone and I certainly didn't speak up in school. For a lot of different reasons, over the years I was able to change that. It's almost like once I started talking it's now hard to shut me up! I still have trouble expressing feelings to most people but I can talk all day about some subjects.

I have a fear or trepidation about revealing thoughts and feelings that someone will later read. I have never been able to journal because of that. I think about what the person, family member, whomever, would think to find a journal and read what I had written - even after I'm no longer on this earth. There are just too many things about myself that I wouldn't want to share with another person.

Part of the problem with writing is that I don't feel that I have anything to say that would be of interest to another person. I have had a very unusual life and people have said to me that I should write a book. How ridiculous.......why would anybody want to read about all the awful things I have been through in my life time? Except for the horrible parts, nothing else about it has even been interesting.

I'm not an expert on anything and I know less about everything now than I did years ago. I want to be a significant partner in music2work2 but if that depends on being able to write blogs that will draw people to our website, I'm not sure that is ever going to happen. Maybe, like I am told, it will get easier. Maybe, like talking, I'll someday get to the point that it's hard to stop me from writing - to shut me up. Right now, though, I can't imagine that happening. But, I'll keep trying. I'll keep typing with fear and trepidation...........because it is important that I be able to write.