Time to resign

How do you know when the right time is to break the news to someone that you are leaving? If you tell them too soon, then you have to suffer their anger and resentment until the event takes place. If you wait until the last minute, then you appear irresponsible and have left them in a bad situation. I don't know when to tell the other organization I do volunteer work for that I am leaving. I just cannot put up with the pettiness, disrespect and abuse I have had to endure over the past year. It doesn't get any better - only worse. Every day I find myself feeling angry, used and unappreciated.

Unfortunately, I feel too great a sense of responsibility to just leave them in the lurch, but I don't know how to exit responsibly. I have to have someone to replace me in the job I am doing. That really shouldn't be my problem, but it is. If someone isn't doing the job, the whole thing falls apart. But, I can't find a replacement.

It feels like I keep getting in deeper and deeper. I don't like deceit; I want to be honest and up-front about my decision to leave, but I don't know that I have the strength to endure the consequences. I am really in a quandry as to how to handle this whole situation.

I have put most of my life into doing this job for several years now. I have given and given until I don't have anything left to give. There are a few people involved who I have become very fond of; I don't want to hurt them and it makes me sad to leave them. But, for my sanity and my self-esteem I have to go! I wish there was a simple solution.

New project

I am here earlier tonight, even though the rain did stop today. Unfortunately the pain doesn't diminish as soon as the rain stops. It is still damp and everything is soggy so we need a few days of sun in order to dry things out. I am excited about the new project we are about to undertake with music2work2 - creating a podcast. I don't have an ipod and am not up on the whole thing; my partner in music2work2 has been wonderful about explaining things to me like this that I am so ignorant about.

Each step we take in this venture is exciting and the prospects are endless. With a new look in the works for our website and the podcast, things are looking good. I am a rather impatient person, so it is a little difficult for me to wait for things to happen. But, things are happening, slowly and surely, which I suppose is the best way.

One would think that I would be more patient, having spent so much of my life "waiting" for bones to heal and to recuperate from surgeries. But, I think it actually has made me more impatient because all those times feel like wasted time.

With this music venture, I know we have to take things one step at a time. We are both in this venture for the long haul, committed to stick with it until it is no longer fun. I am glad to be a part of it and to be working with my friend. I can't imagine the fun in that ever coming to an end!

Frustration

I guess I hold other people at too high a standard; I really don't expect more out of anyone else than I do from myself. But, I am constantly frustrated and disappointed. People make commitments - -knowing full-well what they are committing to do, and then don't follow through. I know there are times I am not able to do what I say I will, but if I make a commitment, I really do try to carry it out. If for some reason I can't, I feel so guilty about it I can hardly stand it until I've done it. In an organization in which I volunteer, the disappointment and frustration is practically a daily occurrence. Reports were due from other volunteers a month ago. Although most of them did turn in the reports - some late but not too late - some I have just heard nothing from. The reports are not a new thing; it's not like they haven't been having to do them for years now, but some people just seem to ignore the fact that they are required.

Sometimes I think I wish I could be so care-free - not caring about what I do or say I will do --- never worrying about it or caring if I let someone down. I wonder how it would feel to be able to do only what I want to do, to not care what others think about me or the fact that I am not doing what I am "supposed" to do. I wonder how it would feel to do nothing but what is fun and enjoyable for me. Other people seem to live that way - - why can't I?

I guess I have always cared way too much about what other people think of me. I cared too much that they stared at me because I look different; I cared too much that they saw that I couldn't do some things that others can. I let that make me so miserable and shy and afraid. So, I tried to be perfect in what I could do, doing what was expected of me, what would be satisfying to other people and let other people dictate what that was.

I don't allow others to decide things for me as much as I did, but I still allow what others expect of me and think about me to have too much power. That is part of what makes doing these blogs so hard. What would anyone reading this think of me - - if they knew that sometimes I want to be irresponsible, or worse.

Just occured to me that I am writing this because I made a committment to do it, so in a way, I guess I'm still letting someone else tell me what I should do. But this is different. I am doing this because I said I would, but I said I would because I want the change that is supposed to come from it. I want to be a better contributor to the success of music2work2. I want it to be a success........such a success that I will eventually be able to live that life of doing what I want to do and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. Such a success that desires and wishes - for a swimming pool, a grand piano, a home overlooking the ocean, a new life, a wheelchair that climbs stairs - can come true. My commitment to this is actually a selfish act....but also an act of caring and I hope of giving.