What a terrible night I had! The extra pain and the fact that I couldn't "turn off" my mind, made it impossible for me to sleep. I never sleep very well, but usually I just use the time to work at the computer. Sitting being more painful, last night I couldn't even do that. It is a sad and lonely feeling being awake while you know most everyone else is sleeping - getting the rest that you will need so badly the next day. Something about the darkness and the quietness of night makes you feel so alone.
My mind kept jumping from one thing to another - things I need to do, things I want to do, things I would like to do but for one reason or another can't. When there is nothing in particular occupying my mind, I think of all the regrets I have. I wasted such a major portion of my life not knowing who I was or what I wanted. I disliked who I "thought" I was so much that instead of doing what I could, although limited, I did nothing. Living with EDS, not even knowing that was what was causing all my medical problems, had such a detrimental effect on me and my feelings about myself.
When I lie awake at night, for some reason the most difficult times are the ones that I keep going over and over in my mind. I wouldn't want to have to go through all the things I have again, but if I could get some of those years back I would do things so differently. At least I think I would, I hope I would.
Having been so afraid that I was going to have to have surgery again, I guess has made all this kind of thing foremost in my mind. Thank goodness it now looks less like that will have to happen. I don't know how I could physically or mentally handle having to go through more surgery. I don't know how may operations I have had - many, many years ago I stopped counting.......it was 25 then. It was too depressing to keep count of the number. I should be sleeping well and feeling well knowing that surgery is less of a possibility now. It is not ruled out completely; if I don't get better in a few weeks, I'll have to see the doctor again, but at least my mind is relieved for the moment.
So, I need to try to stop worrying about that now; there are plenty of other things to worry about. I need to make the best use of the time I have right now..........it's this stinking pain that prevents it.
I hate having to write something on here, but I said I would and I'll keep trying. It's like taking nasty-tasting medicine or doing something very unpleasant.....I wanted to get it over with for the day as soon as possible. I just hope forcing myself to do this will work the way it is supposed to - - - I'm counting on it!!!!!