I guess I hold other people at too high a standard; I really don't expect more out of anyone else than I do from myself. But, I am constantly frustrated and disappointed. People make commitments - -knowing full-well what they are committing to do, and then don't follow through. I know there are times I am not able to do what I say I will, but if I make a commitment, I really do try to carry it out. If for some reason I can't, I feel so guilty about it I can hardly stand it until I've done it. In an organization in which I volunteer, the disappointment and frustration is practically a daily occurrence. Reports were due from other volunteers a month ago. Although most of them did turn in the reports - some late but not too late - some I have just heard nothing from. The reports are not a new thing; it's not like they haven't been having to do them for years now, but some people just seem to ignore the fact that they are required.
Sometimes I think I wish I could be so care-free - not caring about what I do or say I will do --- never worrying about it or caring if I let someone down. I wonder how it would feel to be able to do only what I want to do, to not care what others think about me or the fact that I am not doing what I am "supposed" to do. I wonder how it would feel to do nothing but what is fun and enjoyable for me. Other people seem to live that way - - why can't I?
I guess I have always cared way too much about what other people think of me. I cared too much that they stared at me because I look different; I cared too much that they saw that I couldn't do some things that others can. I let that make me so miserable and shy and afraid. So, I tried to be perfect in what I could do, doing what was expected of me, what would be satisfying to other people and let other people dictate what that was.
I don't allow others to decide things for me as much as I did, but I still allow what others expect of me and think about me to have too much power. That is part of what makes doing these blogs so hard. What would anyone reading this think of me - - if they knew that sometimes I want to be irresponsible, or worse.
Just occured to me that I am writing this because I made a committment to do it, so in a way, I guess I'm still letting someone else tell me what I should do. But this is different. I am doing this because I said I would, but I said I would because I want the change that is supposed to come from it. I want to be a better contributor to the success of music2work2. I want it to be a success........such a success that I will eventually be able to live that life of doing what I want to do and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. Such a success that desires and wishes - for a swimming pool, a grand piano, a home overlooking the ocean, a new life, a wheelchair that climbs stairs - can come true. My commitment to this is actually a selfish act....but also an act of caring and I hope of giving.